Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

Yes, you read that correctly!  Jesse James (of American Wild West fame) meets Frankenstein's (of Mary Shelly fame) FREAKIN' daughter!  I couldn't believe it myself.  This is a proverbial polished turd from 1966 of monumental proportions.  I mean, this was marketing genius!  WHO wouldn't want to go see this train wreck?   Billed as part of a double feature with "Billy the Kid versus Dracula", the bittersweet taste is as warm spiced honey on the tongue and, cowpokes, it moseys it's way at ya today from the Locker. 

 

The movie opens with an ancient castle (you know, like you see in most good Westerns), presumably in Mexico, and Ms. Frankenstein and her brother/assistant are attempting to bring to life a young man using her Grandfather's equipment and transplantable "brains" to make the ultimate slave.  More about that later.  The young man dies, not as a result of her experiments, but because Ms. Dr. Frankenstein's brother is poisoning them because these unnatural experiments offend even his tender sensibilities.  

Watch it HERE on Youtube!  Enjoy!!

THIS poster says it all!  Within this photo-shopped nightmare is the true heart of the movie:  Jesse James pointing his gun, the lovely Juanita poised to blurt out "YESSIE," and Ms. Dr. Frankenstein wearing her special needs lightening thinking cap!

Enter Jesse James. He is in town with his “dumb-as-a-box-of-hammers” companion, Hank, to hook up with another local gang for a lucrative wagon-heist.  When the brother of the leader of the gang sells them ALL out to the local constabulary, Jesse's sidekick, Hank McShortbus, gets shot!  Jesse takes the big lug to the castle with the help of a local maiden, Juanita, even though Juanita's brother was used in the previously-mentioned experiments.  Within the course of about 20 minutes, Juanita has the panting-hots for Jesse James and she is off to help him find "medicine" for him at Ms. Dr. Frankenstein's request... cause, ya know, generic medicine” is what every gut-shot patient needs!

 

But, while Jesse is away, the Frankenstein's will play!  Ms. Dr. Frankenstein transplants one of her grandfather's “brains” into the Incredible Hank so that he will do her dastardly bidding!  This pretty much shapes up to be just lumbering about, looking menacing, and killing off the occasional supporting cast member.  When she suddenly realizes that her experiments have been foiled and sabotaged by her brother, she orders Hank Igor to kill him!  Now, THAT is what you call some extreme sibling rivalry!  Jesse James returns to the castle, realizing that Ms. Dr. Frankenstein has created a Hankenstein, who she promptly orders to subdue his former buddy.  When the Sheriff comes a-knockin, he finds Jessie tied up on an experiment table, Ms. Dr. Frankenstein being squirrelly, and Hank still lumbering about!  The movie culminates with a showdown in the lab. Unfortunately for her, her own dim-witted creation, Hankenstein, could not overcome his affection for his former employer, Jesse James, and instead, kills the Ms. Dr. Frankenstein. 

Yeah...the hat helps!

Perhaps its just me, but this seems a bit pervy!

  

This seems like a REALLY bad thing to keep with the other medicines.

So, anyway, let's get Hank to a Doctor.. Hey WHAT THE HELL?  Get OFF me you DINK!  STOP biting my wrist!

  

"YESSIE"  Probably be more helpful to stop praying & konk the guy on the head!

      

This ridiculous movie couldn't make up its mind if it wanted to be a western, a horror movie, or a science fiction flick!  I assure you, however, "Cowboys and Aliens" it was not!  Jesse James, one of the most wanted and notorious men in the West, seems to roam about willy-nilly, with apparently no care as to who knows that he is Jesse James.  I think the movie was trying to make him out to be the "honorable rogue" but it was doing a fairly poor job of it.  After pulling this failed heist, he totes the injured Hank around the countryside until he wanders upon the fair Juanita and her family.  Juanita offers to take Jesse and Hank to the only Doctor in the area, the Ms. Dr. Frankenstein, KNOWING that the Doc had experimented on and killed her brother.  Meanwhile, in the most non sequitur moment of the movie, Jesse James is attacked by an "Injun", which he dispatches.  I mean, the whole Indian attack sequence was so "out-of-the-blue" as to be laughable.  Juanita, apart from looking like she has been zapped in the nipples by all this life-giving lightening in the movie, does little more than run about screaming and yelling "Yessie!"  Think "Jesse" with a "Y" sound in the front.. because.. you know.. she is Mexican and the "J" sound is forbidden." 

Look closely folks, she has ONE expression and THIS is it!!

Now, about this castle.  I've only been to Mexico once and I don't recall seeing any medieval European-style castles there!  The cheap souvenirs, dodgy cab drivers, and the assholes acting like they didn't know what the hell I was saying, yes..I remember those.  No castles though!  I'm presuming this castle is located where it is for a very distinct reason.  It seems to THUNDERSTORM ALLLL the time, especially when Ms. Dr. Frankenstein needs to transplant another brain and give it some juice!  Also, technically, the movie should be called "Jesse James meets Frankenstein's GRAND-DAUGHTER!"  Yes, technically, she had to be a daughter of “some” Frankenstein, but it wasn't THE Frankenstein that they keep referencing.  Also, there is a something of a hole in the Ms. Dr. Frankenstein's logic.  She is trying to transplant these brains into unwilling subjects so that they will do her nefarious bidding!  What bidding?  Mow the lawn?  Pick the vegetables?  Trim the hedges?  Clean the castle?  This may sound a bit on the racist side (and its not meant to be) but she isn't all that bright. She is going about this the wrong way!  All that equipment, chemicals, and a freaking castle cost a lof money.  The property taxes alone have to be crippling!  I'm just pointing out that you ARE in Mexico..you know..where there are Mexicans.  Before the hate mail begins, I'm just saying it would be more cost-effective to hire some of the local help for that kinda thing..and you don't have to go to the damned Home Depot parking lot to do it!   'Nuff said as I am going to hell for that one anyway. 

And now, onto the weekend weather forecast.  Looks like more of the same as yesterday:  thunder, thunder, thunder.  So, this is the perfect weekend to stay indoors and get the kids together and transplant a vital body organ.

BEST part of the movie!!

The name grabbed me but the Schlock kept me.  Jesse James meets Some Random Descendant of Frankenstein delivers a mediocre, yet unforgettable,  performance. The whole movie was shot in 8 days so, what can you expect, especially with all those damned thunderstorms? IMDB offers some fun facts.  The actress playing poor Juanita died mysteriously shortly after the making of the film.. probably from heartbreak.  "YESSIE!"  Fun Fact:  this is the first time that "Igor" is spelled with an "I" instead of "Ygor."  I couldn't find it anywhere other than a B Movie podcast on Itunes.  Next week:  Bonnie and Clyde meet the Hatchling of the Creature of the Black Lagoon. 

 

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"Jesse James meets Frankenstein's Daughter"