The Schlock Locker
All "B" movies, all the time!
Zeta One
The review this week is a 1969 poo-curl called Zeta One (or The Love Factor) is a crazy, 60’s romp that slinks its way out of The Locker today. Think Barbarella (minus any star power) meets James Bond (minus any story, gadgets, or class). Zeta One stars a very embarrassed James Robertson Justice as Major Bourdin, Dawn Addams as a mostly absent Zeta One and Robin Hawdon as James Word (the James Bond-style character). The story begins with Word, a secret agent, coming home to find a woman, who is presumably a secretary at the agency at which he works, in his apartment. After some sexual banter, an odd game of strip poker, and failed dinner attempt, she gets him to open up, flashback style, on his recent mission. This vague mission revolved around Major Bourdin who is trying to keep the women from Angvia (a not-so-clever anagram for “Vagina”) from kidnapping women to repopulate their planet. I guess the women from Angvia flunked Biology 101 because they are kidnapping no men! I am guessing that’s what they are doing..it is never really spelled out. The leader of “Angvia” is Zeta One and directs her minions to go to Earth and kidnap certain women. One of the women is tagged by Major Bourdin with a tracking device in an attempt to find Angvia and he is able to kidnap and hold hostage one of these women. This culminates in a goofy “fight” scene of air “karate-chops” in the woods. This convoluted cocktail of plots come together toward the end with James Word being kidnapped to Angvia as a “stud” for the women. Either I missed something or there is a continuity error because he was telling this story in the “past tense” in his apartment the last time I checked.
Yeah folks... its as bad as you think! Looks are not deceiving!
Go Fish!
Give me your all your "sixes!"
This movie was REALLY tough to get through. The plot trudged along at a snail’s pace and left me questioning what the hell was going on from one minute to the next. I couldn’t understand why the female leader of Angvia was called “Zeta One.” There wasn’t a “Zeta Two” or “Zeta Three” and the name of the place was “Angvia” and not “Zeta.” So unless she had a really odd surname, it just made no sense. It was also difficult for me to get around James Word, secret agent, playing strip poker with the secretary before supper. Its hard for me to envision James Bond and Moneypenny playing strip poker before afternoon tea. I mean, the whole thing is a vehicle just to show tits and ass. Done! Its sexploitation at its most horrifying… its British sexploitation! But..it is the definition of Schlock! None of the characters flesh out (forgive the pun) any of the cogent plot points and it seriously left me scratching my head several times. It is available on Netflix but I warn you, brace yourself because this is a poo-burger that won’t go down easy!
It was REALLY nice to give old Albert Nobbs a job here!
Click on the IMDb icon for more information on
"Zeta One"
or as it was known in the USA, "The Love Factor"