​Get ready folks.. it get's much worse!!!

Joseph Javorski, NOTED SCIENTIST (I know that because the damn narrator repeats it every 10 minutes) has a briefcase full of juicy Kremlin secrets. After landing in an airfield in what appears to be the desert mid-west, he is ambushed by KGB agents (I guess they just HAPPEN to be in the area) and a crappy car chase ensues. Guns fire! People slouch over and die (minus bullet holes, sound effects, blood, even smoke from the guns.. damn those bothersome details) and as the car chase gets too close to an atomic bomb test, a bomb goes off, somehow creating "The Beast' whose job it is to wander the countryside, kill unsuspecting supporting cast members, and chase kids like a crotchety old man "shoo"ing kids off his lawn! After the two local yokel law enforcement who-ha's climb a mountain, find a not-dead-girl, then leave the previously-mentioned not-dead-girl who is NOW 20 SECONDS LATER recently-dead-girl in the desert to be eaten by creatures, they do some more climbing, shoot the wrong guy, and generally bumble around ineptly, they finally catch up to the Beast who is wandering about aimlessly "shoo"ing kids out of his cave. They shoot him and he dies.. we think!





 

 

 

 The Beast of Yucca Flats

It was GREAT for my agent to get me this cameo in the first 20 seconds of this horror film.. what could possibly go wrong??

Kinda takes a bit of the "terror" out of it when the BEAST needs a walking stick!

ACK!  Let me go you DOUCHE!

Pew!  Pew!  Pew!  

Take THAT, completely innocent dude wandering througt the desert looking for your lost son!

OK folks... I have thoroughly enjoyed some crappy, schlocky cinema over the years but very little can compare to the radioactive golden turd that is.... THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS! Seriously, unless you have seen the film, you cannot begin to prepare yourself. First, I would suggest a strong cup of coffee. You don't want to fall asleep for this one... and you will WANT to fall asleep, if only to keep your brain from crawling out of your left ear and throttling you for putting yourself in harm's way. Next, jumper cables on the nipples just in case the coffee doesn't do the trick! Gentle readers, I have suffered through "Manos: The Hands of Fate" and survived! I endured every gyration of "Monster A-Go-Go" and came back for seconds! I mustered unimaginable mental reserves and girded my loins for the tectonic bowel movement that was "Galaxina."  I damn-near chewed off my own leg to survive "Eegah"! But NOTHING... NOTHING could have prepared me for this hackneyed celluloid train  wreck! I am loath to admit it, but Plan 9 from Outer Space offered more than this 1961 film ever thought about.

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The movie opens with some poor woman being strangled just out of the shower. We don't know who she is.  We have no clue when this occurs. Never is this incident mentioned or referenced again. The 'Beast" hasn't become the beast yet soooooooo.. that's kind of a dingleberry of a loose end... and we are only 20 seconds into the damn movie! There is some gratuitous boob nipplage and I have a sneaking suspicion that it is the ONLY reason the scene is in there!

Hmmm..they WANT you to believe it was 

"Written and Directed!"

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Like this odd scene in the beginning of the film, this cinematic tripe is full of gaffs, holes, inconsistencies and lost threads. I caught several times where there were night/day continuity errors. I mentioned that the gun play was missing elements of reality, which is to say that it was film's way to save money. The actors simply (I actually hate to say this) .."acted".. like they were shooting guns and being shot. One of the local law enforcement nimrods gets in a plane and while looking for the Beast, sees a guy walking through the desert looking for his lost kids and starts pluggin away at this poor sot from the airplane with his rifle. He does shoot the guy, what seem to me, a couple of times but this is never mentioned again and the shot guy seems to get up, stumble off, and continue his search for his children, walk back to his car, LEAVE his wife on the side of a lonely desert road for hours, go get help, come back, go searching, find his kids.... this guy has an impressive constitution! Oh, and this cop shooing willy-nilly from the airplane at plugging this guy is never discussed AT ALL!

​The Beast (Tor Johnson) wanders the desert waving his arms and carrying a walking stick. Its very difficult to engender any fear with a guy walking with a walking stick. Literally every line in this <gulp> "film" is dubbed later in the studio.

I couldn't de​tect any dialogue that was delivered in the actual movie at all... it was all voiced-over, which makes it all sound really odd. And the dialogue was shallow and disjointedly punctuated with awe-inspiring inserts from the voice-over narrator with gripping lines such as "A man runs, someone shoots at him" and "nothing bothers some people, not even flying saucers." This is informative since there are none in the flick!  I think this w​as Tor Johnson's last movie. He died in 1971. Francis Coleman did Skydivers two years later in 1963 and used several of the cast again in roles in that movie. I have seen the MST3K riff of Skydivers but never the movie by itself. This was an experience! I recommend it as it is a cinematic crap-fest of epic proportions. Enjoy!

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"The Beast of Yucca Flats"